Familiar Wounds

I find myself back in the same place.
Without hope to find some peace.
What if I told you I was never meant to stay awake?
Eternal sleep should’ve been mine to carry.
It’s not that I have some failing in my fixation.
The axe looms large over my head.
Waiting for me to make a slip, an uneven slight of hand.
When I invite these thoughts of you, I waste away.
My surface begins to disappear.
And underneath you’ll find nothing of use.
I held my face up to the knife.
And stripped away my identity, stripped away my life.
All I’ve wanted was to be free of my shame.
Not lose everything I gained in times of strength.
I’ve faced the sun a thousand times and never felt its warmth.
It’s like the end of that summer brought the end of me.
With you.
My heart never fails to bleed its loss.
But what I only crave finds itself locked beyond my grasp.
I don’t know if apologies are enough.
I don’t believe that I’m enough.
Let the wind rip through my bones and carry me.
Lift me away from here because all I want is to be erased.
My memories and outlines washed away.
I’ve never felt clean.
My heart muddier than when I started.
Finally seeing the shade staring back at me.
All I’ve built in time spent is as fragile as my promises.
Unstable ground ruins my balanced plans.
Has my past had enough of me yet?
Haven’t you had enough of me yet?
I was never supposed to make it this far.
And I’m running out of time.
I’ve been dwelling in the extent of this guilt.
And I found I’ll never forget you.
Wherever you go, in this life or the next.
My heart is yours to lead.
However bruised or broken it may be.
Take me away and let me be.

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