If only there was some way I could repeat that first time over again. Never got as good, only more urgent. And that urgency is what led to broken morals. I never did have much to begin with anyways. Which is why I am the way I am. I find it hard to believe that I had any say in the matter whatsoever. I continue to set myself to autopilot and just keep flying. Still dying. Death will happen anyways, why not die like a legend? Young, and full of hope from the outside. But inside, hope was swallowed whole a long time ago. And even time itself doesn’t matter, unless it’s time spent waiting without. Without the singular goal being achieved. Sooner or later the abysmal emptiness inside of me will show through my skin. The way my bones already do. Transparency eventually happens regardless of how much I lie. Dark circles around my eyes can’t entice you long enough to believe me. It’s unimpressive to say the least, a pity. But pity is what is keeping me sick. Unlike others, I knew who or what I was after that first time. Genetic connection between me and my bloodline or maybe just a product of the environment. Maybe both. When I start thinking, all I want to do is drown. Drown out the noise, drown out the world, drown out god. It’s amusing how the highs come like waves right after they’re spent. Spent like the monetary bullshit I use to feed my disease. The only time money matters is when it was gone. And beyond my using, I wanted to burn it anyways. Fight fire with fire. Can’t extinguish this ailment on my own. So take away everything but the drugs. Keep me upright enough to say my goodbyes. Then I can kiss the floor that will play the stage for my demise. I’m putting it to rest. Today, I give in. And tomorrow I’ll be gone.
There is always another day to quit, again, done quit many times. Failure is just another chance to achieve my goals, successfully,
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Thanks man. Been clean coming up on two years very soon! Sending love and good vibes your way.
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peace
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Great post… I certainly recognize that feeling, you expressed it very well. Thanks for posting!
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No thank YOU for reading! And the feedback is always appreciated! Much love.
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You’re welcome! I’m reading some of your other posts too and am relating to what you are feeling. Thanks for your posts… It’s great to connect with others who understand ❤
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Wow that’s so awesome and very much appreciated! 🙏 I’m beyond blessed to have this kind of response. So thank you so very much! Hope we can continue to connect through our words! ❤
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I hope so too! I have mostly written about my other issues (mental health and chronic illness). Maybe it’s time to write a piece about addiction!
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Yes do it! I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as being an addict and I can’t wait to dive into more of your posts!
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It’s so common for addicts to also have mental illnesses! I think that’s a big part of why I began using… wait, I KNOW it’s a big part. And, when I think back about my previous posts, they may not mention addiction specifically, but it’s there… mixed in with all the mental health issues. Thanks for reading my blog, I appreciate it!
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Yes most definitely! I can attest to that. And no problem, from what I’ve seen so far, I really dig your stuff! 👍
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Thank you so much! I’m already thinking about my next post, thanks to you!! So stay tuned 🙂
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I really wish there were more arlictes like this on the web.
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I take that as a compliment! Thank you! 🙂
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Ya learn sohmteing new everyday. It’s true I guess!
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